apparently you CAN get banned from Nascar.
It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
Ikea night.
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Insert tab A into swedish slot B
I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
Just to give you a heads up, I am going home with your ex-boyfriend.... You can't be mad because he was my ex-boyfriend first
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
hes wearing the same tie today that i tied him up with last night.i wanna go home
bro your seconds weren't very sloppy last night, is everything ok?
im sleeping with a therapist...so you can talk to me.
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
Just for future reference. Do not do zumba while stoned out of your mind.
I have a video on my phone of someone streaking in my house last night, do you have any idea who it is?
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
Randomize
