p.s. this guy just tipped me with ecstasy pills. is this real life
Not only do I have sand in my ass, but a crab pinched me while we were fucking. Still totally worth it.
if they reproduce, their children will be the worst quarters players ever
i'll get you drunk even if i have to inject alcohol into your arm through an IV
you're the only one i would trust to do that
Can't we have real sex instead of you just thrusting the air near me?
Why are there jello shots in the kitchen drawer?
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
He literally knows my vagina better then I do.
I sent him a tex saying, "I thought my intentions were clear" drunk me has some balls.
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
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