Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
the three of them together have enough kids to fill a barney live audience.
Depending on hangover severity. The fact that I can spell severity is in your favor.
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
I woke up smelling like the ciroc you tried pouring into my mouth last night. I think my clothes are still soaked
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
I asked him why he was eating an entire can of refried beans, the only answer I got was "revenge"
Your the only person I know that needed stiches after a Monday morning conference call. How are you in your 20s? How
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
On the way to have sex with my ex's roommate... I have hit a new low
if he becomes president of the united states, I will tell EVERYONE that i took his virginity.
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
Randomize
