im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
Most awkward sex ever...
And im texting you in the middle.
I feel like our bond as friends is a lot stronger now that I've talked to you on the phone while having sex.
I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
He fucked a visibly pregnant girl. It doesn't get weirder than that.
Cops do not care. One just laughed and said "precious"
Hey, next time you have sex, flick his balls, and tell him "thats for getting spit in jennifer's eye and laughing about it."
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
On the oral sex Super Bowl board I drew 7 and 1. If I get lucky, someone will be swallowing during Madonna's half time. I'm sure she'd approve.
But mostly the blowjob in the airport bathroom was what I was laughing at.
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
When Pony by ginuwine plays I pretty much just grind on the nearest penis.
I told him I wish we were at my house cause then I could tell him to get out after we had sex.
Randomize
