I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
you threw your tampon into someones open car window...while they were driving.
i just taught a 3 year ld how to do a jager bomb, i cant wait to have kids
and all i could think about was how mcdonalds would not be open anymore after we were done having sex
she's using the space heater to try to heat up a pop-tart...
I just got a msg from someone saved in my phone as "gouiys stAndingg nezxt me not oz". Omh my life.
It's not like I ment to feed you the shots of vodka, my hand just kinda slipped.
I don't know what I wash first. My body or my puke painted car. People are judging me as I drive by.
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
Seeing Grandma lick chocolate sauce off of the male stripper was definitely not the way I planned to enter the world of legal drinking.
You made me drive your car so you could give the dude from the parking lot a BJ in the back seat. Classy.
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
You did what with his pubic hair?
My nipples are YOUNG and they need TWISTING
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