I reminded them that I didn't puke and I cleaned yours up! So huh!
I saw that some person on TFLN used a bag of wine as a pillow. I tried it last night. I forgot to close the spout. I woke up and thought my face had a period
Nah, lets use your guy, my drug dealer is going all pineapple express on me
i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
Not sure if you carved a butthole or vagina in that pumpkin but that didn't stop high Phil from mounting. My study group is horrified.
So a sorority girl just introduced herself to me by saying "a guy I used to fuck just threw up on me" and then she grinded on me
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
This coke is making my nose hairs dance. That good.
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
I just watched in amazement as you had a full conversation about water temperature and bacteria with your pet goldfish.
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
false alarm, still single
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