yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
I just saw a guy masturbating vigorously at the bus stop across from del taco at 2:30am...im pretty sure he wasn't even homeless
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
You want to move to a city because of their promotional beer pricing
So?
This is why you shouldn't make decisions
He made me a "booty call of the year" award.
You went streaking and came back with your shirt inside out. Then said "it happens in the line of duty" and passed out.
do you think this outfit says "I maintained my dignity this weekend"?
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
I told my grandmother all I want is a nice guy who likes to be tied up.
I'm playing drinking games with a boy who looks like Liam Hemsworth. I think I'm fine.
You partied and then got cock slapped, Don't tell me you didn't have fun
he has pokemon bedsheets but his dick is huge so i took one for the team
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
Nothing kills the mood like opening another guy’s dick pic in bed
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