No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
YOU CAN RENT MIDGETS ON CRAIGS LIST
I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
Tomorrow, you will get a text, and it will bE spelled right, that's me yo, certify ya soon
I don't want a baby! I JUST WANT AN ORGASM THAT ISN'T SELF INFLICTED.
this celing is unfamiliar to me... im just vaguely wondering where i am. but not quite concerned enough to do anything about it.
Update: that felon in Georgia I slept with is now a police officer. What a wonderful world
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
Also I know you probably did not understand anything I said on the phone last night but thank you for pretending.
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
Just because you got dumped by some loser doeant mean you need Jesus. It just means you need better friends and some booze
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
Randomize
