based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
I met her at the liquor store. I hope I'm wearing a condom
I love that my brother has just convinced my dad that smoking a blunt it an "unspoken family tradition"
Found a beard hair in my crotch.... care to explain?
And he probably thinks I'm in love with him but after three shots of Patron you love anything
I used to not like fucking fat girls but with her gut clapping against her boobs, its like a standing ovation ever time.
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
That's not as bad as watching a dumb ass drunk peeing into your window fan -
I have a third degree burn on my inner thigh from the blunt dropping on me in the car
I bruised my dick hopping over that fence last night
He met a girl at a stop light and managed to give her his number while driving down the highway.
You don't usually get feedback after a one night stand... But you hit it out of the park. I'm proud to call you a friend.
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
Oral sex and brunch. The perfect sunday morning.
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