...., I just tried brushing my hair wothh a toothbrushg. fail
ps not my toothbrush awkward.
yeah i like to chase my xanax with prozac and then viagra. you're up...and then you're UP
Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
he was sobbing,drinking his beer, all while confessing his love for her. awkward was an understatement...
..and then spiked the maple syrup at iHop
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
I just went through the Wendy's drive thru only wearing a towel. My life has hit an all time low
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
Ask me if I'm sitting naked in a lawn chair eating a block of cheese waiting for a bacon grilled cheese sandwich
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
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