I realized today that the only reason you made out with Travis is because he has nice teeth
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
I'm wearing the bright blue sombrero all through the airport as a sign of triumph that I survived spring break. I'm getting compliments
Just watched the couple I sit for and 4 of their friends shotgun beers like college kids. Please let this be us when we get older.
Think about if the incredible hulk and king kong had a retarded baby. That's the sound she made in my ear the entire time I fucked her.
The camera shows a viking with a white mask, a creepy green guy, a gorilla, and a pumpkin throwing eggs and laundry detergent in his yard
OHHH and there was a Batman too.
Remember that time you came over to my house and I was on the porch naked and eating peanut butter?
what's the proper way to say, "I'm sorry for puking on you and your bed mid hook up then going downstairs and fucking your roommate because you locked me out of your room completely naked...?"
Well you ended up trying to convince two Greek girls that you were Greek, but failed massively by shouting at them in Spanish, and then almost vomiting after taking way too much snuff. Maybe lay off the guinness next time?
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
I just let my boss bend me over his desk and spank me. I think that is some sort of American dream.
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
saw a family tailgating a graduation with hard liquor... i'm assuming yours?
are you shitting me? they told me they'd at least wait until 10am
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
Randomize
