I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
My T9 Word has dryhumped saved but I can't even get it to figure out bbq.
you tried to do a keg stand and ended up flipping over it and onto the table
I don't have enough holes for all these australians
last night he took my thong off with his teeth... god bless champagne
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
I gave him head in my cape. On the kitchen floor. Watching a show about bacon.
Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face.
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
i have a queen bed, a cherrywood bed frame, and gold sheets. how are you saying no to me right now?
Names, who you're caught in bed with, both minor details
I thought you were dead but then you asked me if your tits looked good. They did.
I had to say goodbye to one of my fuck buddies last night. He's voting for Trump, we shouldn't be doing it anyways.
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
Randomize
