You feel like going out tonight?
Does a 14yr-old girl look good beat up? I'll bring the handle
You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
It's my fault there's ramen coiled around his penis.
My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
Haha! I've never met his girlfriend, so my main focus will be not saying,"you're the only person in this room that doesn't know what my vagina feels like."
I think it's awesome that you're getting shower sex advice from a Mormon.
Can vaginas get frostbite?
lets do drugs on my lunch break tomorrow
You have 4 bottles of kahlua in ur drawers but no sox
In my defense I didn't know there was concrete on the other side of that fence when I tossed him over it.
You're both fucking idiots and this is why I should never let you two drink alone.
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
I don't see why I have to pay for it.
your head went through the window, you're pretty much obligated to pay for it.
i'll...probably just offer you drugs?
i'll...probably take them in all honesty
I just remembered something from last night. check your closet.
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
Randomize