I think the world might be a better place if everyone was capable of having open relationships.
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
he called you a drunk bob the builder and you proceeded to explain how you were going to build ramps throughout the house
it is entirely possible that the police will be knocking on the door in 25 minutes
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
he got kicked out of the bar for falling asleep on the mechanical bull.. then freaked on us cause we wouldnt go to the strip club with him
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
You in for a dick vacation?
YES, even though I have no idea what that means
That tampon felt like a stick in my vagina, I am never making a drunken tampon choice again. Friends don't let friends choose tampons drunk.
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
I'm so stoned. We're making Josh's sister bake us brownies. She's so small and pixie like. Her brownies make me cry tears of happy.
Randomize
