Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
Conclusion from last night: Sometimes being classy isn't as fun as making out with a guy on a pooltable in a bar. Happy birthday, Canada.
Is it bad that Pitbull has taught me more Spanish than high school did?
Do you think he likes his girlfriend's moustache?
I just randomly started counting the number of guys that I've hooked up with that are now gay. 11.
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
you seemed to enjoy falling down hill
wow, never heard the last few months of my life put so succint
How external is "for external use only"?
I feel that the drunker I get, the drunker Facebook gets.
Bitch, it's 2 in the afternoon.
Let's get drunk and go to Walmart and just tackle people at random.
They shouted last call and the guy next to me and I looked each other up and down and went in unison "yup, you'll do"
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
Let us rub each other in fish scales and become mermaids
I'm seriously considering selling my books back early. I don't use them anyways and I could really use the beer money..
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
Randomize