come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
went out last night and woke up on the bathroom floor again, thinking about just moving my bed in there.
so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
all you did was keep googling "what time is it" over and over and over
some guy just pulled a dress out of a fax machine...I have no idea what the hell is going on
she said, "is it ok if I touch it?" that's when I knew I was in trouble... I knew she was a virgin but seriously..
just convinced someone I was a virgin. I love when people don't know me.
Never underestimate the healing power of vomiting and a bath.
she fucked me tho cuz it was her cat's birthday. As soon as we were done she just says "ahhh tequila tuesdays"
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
i asked him to talk to me in french while we fucked and halfway through i caught the word 'lasagna'. turns out he was making his grocery list.....i asked him to keep going.
First night in my new apartment and I threw up in front of my neighbors door. Starting off this relationship strong.
I don't think you should say "suck my dick" and then proclaim to be a messiah, of any sort.
I currently don't understand fingers.
Randomize
