I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
We need to get cat food
Nevermind, the cat will eat lucky charms
half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
soooo we both peed the bed last night...
Do you think most people who work at an airport Chili's can pin point where their lives went wrong?
My gynecologist just commented on how well my vagina was waxed
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
I go to a class slightly intoxicated and they bring in a baby. What a life.
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
I think you were giving a sex seminar on your kitchen table last night.
I woke up and he was just feeling up my stomach. I felt like buddha and he was rubbing my belly for good luck. never again.
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
He had bigger boobs than me last night and we both weren't wearing a bra so it was a fair judgement
He wanted me to choke him with my feet. So now I feel obligated to start writing my memoir
That portion can talk about stepping out of your comfort zone and how it can potentially kill people
The amount of dicks I have seen in the last hour is more than I have seen in my whole life.
Randomize
