I'll bet she douches with gravy.
my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
you sang the finger bang song from south park while fingering me. needless to say, kind of a turn off.
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
ya i guess you have to take things with a grain of salt in a place where nipple clamps are the norm..
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
She dresses like Bruce Banner and fucks like the Hulk. She is all of my lesbian fantasies come true.
See if shell let you call her dr banner in bed
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
Sex in the backyard? Check.
they just got in argument over who had more of your dick pics. quit sending shit to my sisters fucker
Pretty sure my aunt hooked up with one of my brothers frat brothers at his graduation party
Randomize
