I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
Well It's time to grow up anyways, right? Now that you're graduated and have a job you can't drink uncontrollably
No. Now that I'm graduated I can drink uncontrollably at nicer bars
I admit it's going to be hard to top a limo orgy and Mcnuggets....but I have faith in you
got extra credit for showing up to class before a holiday. it hit me 5 minutes later that she meant easter....
He was going down on me as I discovered a spaghetti-O on my boob. Its been a while since I faked it.
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
#1- I went to button my shirt only to find they were all mising. #2- I'm so fu@king sore I feel like I was sweating to the oldies all night. #3- this pounding headache I have, I blame solely on Jennifer. Everyone sounds like Billy Mays when they talk. I remember nothing from last night, I'm concerned.
That girl next to you randomly said that she fits into a queen sized pillow case
WTF.
I was busy. But now I'm about to consume alcohol and chicken. We shall see where this takes us. Maybe to the moon, maybe to the floor. I have no idea.
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
I think we did. All i know my pants smell like pong water due to the bathroom extravagansa. God I feel like a whore.
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
Randomize
