My right nipple has been called many things but never a ghost pig
I would have done the walk of shame but I couldnt walk
I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
A friday night jus isn't the same if the cops don't raid my dorm
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
Yeah just got a blowjob at busch stadium during the cardinals game childhood dream realized
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
I just said "okay we have 20 minutes to get each other off, ready... Set... Go!" and he picked me up and threw me on the bed. I almost came just from that.
Yeah that doesn't involve enough booze, count me out
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
My cousin was arrested on a class b felony for selling meth out of the back door of McDonald's where he worked. Apparently it was the extra special sauce.
It was a career choice to be sure... Mistakes were made.
What the fuck i just wanna eat my froot loops and sext in peace. Y'all motherfuckers gotta be loud as shit and break my concentration
he put a condom on for a handjob WTF
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