Well, if your day started with strippers, then we're tied. Otheriwse, I'm winning.
I've gone to the bathroom 3 times. And forgot to pee. 3 times. Let's say we call it a night, I need to be found. I see a fish tank by the bar and some stairs.
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
If we laid all the dicks that's have been inside of us end to end it would be as tall as 4 story building. 40 feet of dicks.
This is what happens when wu tang raised you
Oh yeah I remember when I first saw Kyler's balls. If there's anything high school swim prepared me for, it's the amount of testicles I would see here
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
I mean, you got a giant dick. I've seen lawn gnomes that are smaller.
Yess he was literally so drunk that like at one point I'm pretty sure he thought it was hard and in when neither were true :/ haha
Man i fell asleep on a random persons porch on the way home and woke up to the family banging on the windows trying to wake me up
He was leaving the restaurant I was going to as I was parking. I didn't want to scream, "hey, didn't I jerk you off?" Out of my window at 10 am
How does it feel to date your dad?
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
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