please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
My therapist said that she thinks i may have a sex addiction. I think she may be a terrible therapist.
Want me to drive you to Dr. Drew's sex rehab?
Nah, cause then i cant masturbate to that show anymore.
you ran down to the water at 3am and rolled in the sand and ran around screaming that you were the corn dog monster.
I hope he doesn't find the chex mix when he takes my shirt off.
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
The best was when you were crying, and trying to get the bouncer to "understand you AS A HUMAN BEING"
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
Have you seen that new toaster that burns your pics to toast? Let's drink some booze and discuss what I have I mind.
He found out about your side hoe and still helped you try to find a lizard that got in the house
we played his NES Classic. Turns out there is a warp zone to my vagina.
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
Why the fuck are you playing with legos?
Why the fuck are you questioning me?
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
If you think I'm going to drive 5.5 hours just to bang a guy, you'd be absolutely right.
What you have to understand is that our lives aren't a disappointment so much as they crashed and burned with lethal doses of radiation and dog shit.
Randomize
