it wasn't lemon gatorade
it felt like a thousand fairies were licking my balls.
Dude apparently i ran into the middle of a half marathon last night and some how won
The freshman came home at 9 this morning with one heel, no pants, and a strangers sweatshirt covered in tequila-scented vomit. I think we're done corrupting her for a while.
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
The used rubbers I threw behind her bed all semester must have landed on the baseboard heater. They went up in smoke when she turned on the heat last night.
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
I was high fiving everyone. I even high fived with the wall for doing such a good job suporting the ceiling and keeping us alive.
Is it bad if one of my goals right now is to snort blow through a licorice?
Don't answer that. It is bad.
She is still a psychotic unstable bitch, and is therefore PERFECT drinking game fodder
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
The crooked penis I maybe could have looked past...but no foreplay? Deal breaker.
Nah. After about 5 shots he decided he needed to clean the gutters. We're headed to the hospital now so meet us there.
I feel like a grown up and it scares me so I'm hiding out in the bathroom stall and messaging you
I stopped telling people I'm a pansexual unless they ask first, really tired of explaining what that means.
Randomize