One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
All I remember is drinking vodka out of tupperware.
the last 2 times weve had drunk sex ive had to get the morning after pill.. he's turning into a real expensive fuck buddy.
Just wanted to make sure that my favorite hot mess is still alive. I dont need words, just a response of any sort. K hope youre living
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This is sufficient.
he confused my yawn for an orgasm
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
We also had a full on debate about how realistic and useful teleportation and time travel would be...and only used Twilight Zone episodes as "scientific evidence"
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
I have never in my life been turned down for sex until this weekend.
Welcome to my everyday.
It's a race to see if I finish the bottle first or my homework
The cl.oudds are foaming a really big pen.Is OMG.
Randomize
