He's the biggest piece of shit to ever exist. He's not even wearing shoes.
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
apparently it was the return of drunk burrito sex.
We need to stop sleeping with people based on which NFL team they like.
Apparently she buried shit in the snow back in January and now that it's melted I found a flip flop, 4 spoons, a bottle of smirnoff, and 14 different candy bars
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
They told you that you couldn't fit in the dryer. Man, did they eat their words. You did brake the door though.
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
she opened a can of olives, drained the juice and poured ranch dressing in. oh and 'croutons' (saltines) on top...
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
Puked in the trash can. Took a bite of someone's breadstick and kept dancing and drinking
Randomize
