At my boss' house at a bbq. Had a few beers. Taking a poop - there's no TP...this is my nightmare.
I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
i should probably find things i have in common with someone besides drinking, before having sex with them
I think the main reason you were throwing up so much was the quart of soap you chugged trying to burp bubbles. you came close
I gave up trying to understand them years ago. Now I'm just trying to fuck them.
IT'S SUMMA TIME
ITS SUMMA TIME NOT BE HIGH ALL THE TIME TIME
THEY'RE THE SAME THING
sorry to break it to you, but he's definitely fucking that other girl now...
I wish I still at least had the bruises on my ass to remember him by.
get ready to load up the weird cannon and blow a load of buck-wildness all over the place people
It looked like his dick was wearing an argyle sweater.
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
Randomize
