hide the guitars, Nate just learned to play free fallin'
i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
Why do I have peacock feathers super glued to my body?
and this is why we should make december sharting awareness month.
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
I know it must have been a hard break up. Are you okay?
Oh yeah, I'm fine dude. My vaginas heart is broken though. I feel bad for her, you should give her a call sometime.
i have a raging boner for Saturday, day drinking is one of my top favorite things right next to alligator wrestling and blowing shit up
Cause I'll toss Tabasco sauce in his eyes and yell "Cobra attack" and walk away
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
Hes back in his dorm room dancing naked with 3D glasses on.
and he said that acid doesnt really do anything to him...
Being an adult is fun. You can experience a break up, then go fuck someone else in the woods.
Randomize
