I got wasted for the 1st time and I sat in a fridge for 2 hours and a trash can?
Why did u sent me a picture of a dead horse?
i could hear you having sex and was jealous, wanted to kill the mood
I'm pretty sure that I'm earning a horrible reputation with your friends, but I'm having a fucking great time in the process.
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
You claimed your dick was a divining rod, spun in a circle 3 times and walked into the bar you stopped in front of...consequently there was a bikini shoot going on
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
Instead of sending me a picture of his dick, he sent me a drawing of it on drawsomething. This game is getting out of control.
Saying someone's good at giving head is like saying someone is good at pouring juice like there is that one girl who will spill it everywhere but for the most part it's not that hard to be good at
Can you tell dad to stop liking and sharing porn on FB again?
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
The moment you tore my shirt off I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you
I puked in the back of my mom's new car because I had too much to drink at Chilis. I think I just hit rock bottom.
Just an FYI you do have to wear pants to lunch
FUUUCK. sunburned vagina. this is the worst day ever. i'm not leaving my room until it peels.
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
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