It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
It felt like his penis had an endoskeleton.
sorry can't. you know Saturday is the masturbating day for single sorority girls here.
This girl just swallowed a pealed banana whole. I'm not worthy.
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
PUB CRAWL IS THE WEEK I COME BACK FROM NOLA OMG OMG OMG. Has it been a year already since I tried to make out with you and you let a bar tender take a shot out of your cleavage? Time flies.
i still can't believe he got laid by going to the bar and handing out "cuddle buddy" application forms
He was like, I wanna take it slow. I took off my bra And I was like, either we have sex now or you get out.
i just need to find someone who enjoys eating frozen waffles as much as I do. It will be perfect.
Since I won't be making love with anyone on a bed of roses this year on Sunday I bought a Mustang to fill the gap
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
I'm not in bed, I'm driving and puking at the same time.... first for everything
I just had a morning three-some with marijuana and a detachable shower-head
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
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