I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
Does puking on your bio final mean I can retake it?
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
When did it become appropriate to call your mother the morning after? While still naked in bed? WHEN?!
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
my boss just accepted "because it's 4/20" as a legitimate reason to take Friday off
Just wait til you visit, there will be an endless supply of fresh dick for your demand #economics
I had a drink called "the white nun." It tasted like Marshmallows, and celibacy.
lost her for two hours. she was banging a russian guy in her car in the parking lot. he told her she was majestic.
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
She broke up with me. I guess I was in the most chaste lesbian relationship in the history of the world and had no idea.
THIS IS AN AMERICAN HORROR STORY I CAN'T FIND MY VIBRATOR ANYWHERE WHICH MEANS I LOST IT WHEN I MOVED WHICH MEANS MY POOR VIBRATOR IS OUT THERE IN THE WORLD ALL ALONE RIGHT NOW WHAT AM I GOING TO DO
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
Gotta love college... Pregamed for my 8:30 flight home this morning and gave the flight attendants all high fives when I got on the plane. Best ride of my life.
Randomize
