Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
Why is there a shirtless guy in Walgreens and why is he probably looking for the same thing I am?
If I can't get a one-legged man to love me, what the hell chance do I have with a NORMAL guy???
id pay someone 5 dollars to tell me whos house im at right now. comfy couch though
I think he's on the stoner protein diet. I just saw him, at 3 am, spreading mayo on a slice of deli ham and sprinkling salt on top.
You have to come over we all bought drinking hats. Mine has a turtle on it. Side note: somehow someone got their hands on 50 candied apples and we need to eat them...
She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
Seriously just told the plant the cheese Pringles are mine.
when in doubt, mount your coworker in the staff room.
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
I keep worrying the police are going to come looking for us.
For which one? Starting a fire on my porch or having sex on my porch?
It was a strange night. I made out with his college roommate and said "do you care?" beforehand.
So who has the penis shaped party tray? You or your mom?
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