The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
Well I almost walked away with an Irish guy's boarding pass and some south guy's dignity
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
you strike me as the kind of person who when they spill something on their lap they take off their pants and eat it anyways. right off the crotch seam.
It's gay softball weekend. Lots of hot gay strangers to go home with.
because. if I can't sit outside naked and eat my watermelon every morning then I really don't see the point in moving in with you.
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
Well, I told him that it's not all about him. Then I gave him the best blow-job in the history of blow-jobs.
Philosophical question for you: is it better to go into work slightly drunk or slightly coked out?
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
You kept licking my face. You said you were making sure I was real.
I can handle him. I'm made of spite and hot wings.
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
Word. I want it involving like... sing-a-longs and sniffing glue.
Randomize