i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
I wish my dick could take responsibilities for his own actions
I just met the 30 percent of the population with an STD
That's not a good night. A good night is waking up with no skirt, no money, and the imprint of the edge of the bar on your forehead.
Tomorrow is Have Sex and Climb A Mountain Day. We have amazing dates.
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
Never thought I'd say this but the maple syrup flavored vodka probably wasn't our best idea
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
We turned a watering can into a margarita bong.
Ugh, I should just give up, and fuck him in a parking lot, and shave my head and walk naked through the streets of King's Landing.
He started talking about getting a puppy together. So of course I went down on him later
NO NINJA FIGHTING AT THE GAS STATION
So I have a horrible yeast infection right now and I learned that Scott is cheating on me and now he has a yeast infection in his mouth and in his stomach a pretty aggressive one too. I believe the doctors call it thrush. Text me in the morning tell me what you think.
Randomize
