if only i could text you this smell
Buying beer for freshmen. No matter what they ask for, I'm getting them Colt 45.
he just came in and straightened the chair and left again
There's a skull full of vodka. How bad can it be?
He's had mdma poured down his throat. He's getting huggy.
My gyno overestimated by 3 TIMES the amount of sex we have per week. First of all, he must think I'm a freak. Secondly, I think we should catch up.
He's living a porn movie. He's slept with a waitress at her work for lunch, a bar tender at the bar that night, and the cleaning lady the next morning.
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
New drinking game: Drink while you Drink. I'll explain the rules when I see you, needless to say, it's not difficult. Unless you enjoy sobriety, humanity and life. Bestest.
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
Nautical themed porn is also great bc someone usually wears a captains hat
Just cried watching Wimbledon, worst comedown ever.
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
I think I fell asleep on my pizza last night. Damn, I am sauccccy.
No. It's going to be "I'm mad that it took you so long to get over here" angry sex.
Randomize
