he started yelling "squirt for me" then his girlfriend knocked on the door and told us to keep it down
i'm not really understanding how she couldn't figure out it was him
the couple across the street's about to bang. go get the popcorn and come join us.
today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
He said he had a problem he needed to take care of before we got omelets and then showed me his erection.
She just gave me a free latte.
Correction. She just have you a frothy, creamy path to that vagina.
I've just never had a dinner guest strut in, go directly to my bathroom, vomit.. then come out demanding whiskey and food.
Even her dad came up for the body shots. Wasn't sure what to do so I just laid there and let it happen...
Talking to her is like watching "Bad Life Choices: The Movie"
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
she stole my Timberlands and my Sublime shirt and left her heels and bra. this is war
Rule #36, branched off rule 4: Dave stays on a leash in crazy settings. It keeps him good and gets you laid.
So essentially he's like a puppy you can bring to a bar? Retractable leash or chain then?
HELL YEAH TIME TO KICK THE CHILDREN
You're wasting your dick. It needs to be bestowed upon the masses.
Why are your pants in the freezer?
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