a strip club that doesn't allow touching or asking for sex... whats the point?
unless her vagina can tell me my horoscope in sign language, I'm not going.
Its not like he dircectly choose a cheeseburger over sex, it was more like I said seductively "I really appreciate this and I'm going to make it up to you anyway I can" and he replied "i want a bacon cheeseburger"
i guess he just knew i was going to sleep with him either way
I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
Instead of having sex, we spent the entire night making pillow forts and have sword fights. I think I'm in love
When did we start counting Thursdays as weekends?
When we got our fake ids in grade 11, why?
I just feel like it's time to start counting wednesdays as well...
Accidentally spilled a drink on her roommates skirt, offered to clean it, and got a blowjob out of the deal. Something went horribly right.
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
Touche. Dude, I fastened garters. Drunk. I deserve a medal from a drag queen.
He's German, so by default he gets to fuck me.
Keywords: shitstorm, police, jail.
I'm committing myself to dance. Also, I'm unsure if you said space party sounded lame because dude was old, but I hope you're over it because I love space, and I love David Bowie and I love to dance, and you need to embrace this with me.
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
please come back. it's turned into strip rock paper scissors
Randomize
