The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
Are we still dressing up as garden gnomes for halloween?
No. I would like to get laid again before I graduate.
He saw my tits then looked up and yelled thank you jesus as loud as he could
we just ordered 30 dollars worth of french fries...whats wrong with us?
Well when you're drinking tequila mixed with water out of a steve Austin cup I really don't think acquiring a straw is your main priority
She was really fucking loud. My neighbors definetly knew my name...
Im pretty sure you told the waiter at Dennys last night to take your pants off or show a nipple.
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
Our music was glorious. Maidens were deflowered to the sound of my voice.
its not everyday you see batman on the ground with someone riverdancing on his face bourbon street never disappoints
I definitely fucked a Trump supporter last night but I wouldn't let him fully admit it because then I would've had to leave and his cock and abs were too perfect
Should I wear my "kiss me I'm highrish" shirt for my drug screen today?
That was a beautiful concert to sleep through ...
I know - Don't let me take drugs from strangers anymore
high I am. I am yoda. Yoda I am
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