everyone knows he gets back in a week and after that i'm not sleeping around anymore. it's like i have a expiration date.
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
Please take a moment of silence for the fact that I still have all 10 fingers
I have their Unicorn picture in my shirt, and I just threw a Bud Light Platinum bottle through their window. We need to go now.
All I know is she walked in crying with a bag of limes and a bottle of tequila and has been locked in her room blasting lil wayne ever since.
I just windexed my mirror headboard, Lets get to work.
Apparently the Massachusetts Bay Transit Authority severely looks down on Chinese firedrills on a public bus
Yeah but the people love.
Also.. The Hobbit does not look like a cartoon. We were just too fucking high.
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
On the other hand, this could be a new level of shame for me.
I've had sex with three people who have this birthday.
Is it okay to get drunk at a baby shower? ....asking for a friend
you're telling me you don't want to have sex 30,000 feet above the earth?
Dude... this pee is not alleged
YOU SAT ON MY LAP!
Wuddup pee lap
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