There is a girl getting fingered on my left, a middle aged drink man smoking a bong and two girls flashing the cameras in front of me. I'm in the middle trying to maintain my innocence.
So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
Soo I have a handle of 100 proof captain, cupcakes, and nothing to get up for in the morning.. This blizzard is shaping up to be a great night.
i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
There was a gorilla playing an accordion outside of my last final. I miss college already.
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
That's because you're a slut. A slut fucking a fence.
I asked for a dramatic "funeral" look for my makeup. They judged me.
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
So I'm thinking about sending him some "sorry I almost peed on your computer" cookies. Thoughts?
It was a fun night! I woke up with a boyfriend, again....
the cuervo was good, but I started with jello shots. and when i threw up a whole jello shot came out.
You drank whiskey for 9 hours and did not eat anything.Nothing good was going to come from that.
Randomize
