yesterday i saw a blind man guiding himself into a NYC tour bus... and i thought i waste money
singing james blunt while drunk. tell me thats not wonderful
life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
The boys in front of me put beer, red plastic cups, ping pong balls, lighterfluid, and twelve packs of pantyhose on the conveyor belt. Whatever drinking game they're playing, I want a part in.
I just found a receipt from ace where I bought 1 lrg plastic funnel, 2ft of 1" plastic tubing, and a 48" toboggan sled. Thank you cashier #552 for letting that poor life decision happen.
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
At what point did we decide It was a good idea t have a wheelbarrow race in the parking lot?
We were destined to go to rehab together
I just Miyagied my roommate through her first set of tit pics. Her fuck buddy owes me.
Bjs and tacos. That's my life.
Seriously. Are we going out tonight? If we're not, I'm going to put on sweatpants and do drugs.
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
I think I gotta smoke less weed, I'm getting to lazy to fuck my girlfriend
I consider walking to the bars and dancing my exercise and I buy doubles so my drinks r heavier so that's my arm workout
Randomize
