I'm eating all of the evidence.
If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
Michael Jackson and Farah Fawcett are dead
NOOOOOOOO not MJ! Someone tell the paramedic to grab him by the heart and just "Beat it"
she kept yelling 'call me bella'
i know, but like... i wanna be a CLASSY i'm-stealing-your-date kind of slutty...
dude i need to stop getting high. i cant afford to eat like this...
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
gettin drunk isnt as much fun when i can use my own id for it
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
Do you know what's great about Canada?..... There will always be a Tim Hortons on my walk of shame route
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
i woke up in just my socks. my clothes were outside, he had rugburn on his elbows, and a window was broken.
Am I required to send a Christmas card to my fuck buddy?
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
He just told me my boobs made up for all the bad things that had ever happened to him. I'm definately having sex with him again.
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