i have a strong urge to join the asians in the park doing tai chi. I think im still high .
I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
I just beer bonged a sparks. You better get your ass over here because no one is on my level yet
the line at the liquor store is out the door, and students in line are high-fiving like crazy...i love college snow days
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
I woke up to my dog puking on my bed. Looks like it was a successful night for us all.
I know and I love you for your valets putting your thong on your seat
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
I was about to take him home and fuck his brains out but then the police came and arrested him for the stolen credit card he had been buying me drinks with all night...
There comes a point, as I lay on the floor of the work disabled toilets contemplating catching 10 minutes sleep between chunders, that I wonder if its really worth it
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
no he just sat there holding the hammer and grinning insanely
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
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