I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
Yeah i mean there's 3 guys fighting over me. It would just be bitchy of me not to get with at least 1.
you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!
This hotel is not contributing to my sobriety, they have 4 kinds of free wine and beer.
She's trying to master eating with her feet. She said it was be she "always has to be prepared."
I saw you eating fruit and doing shots off people passed out
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
I really resent how she stayed home and ruined my plans to watch sci-fi and masturbate.
It was great. They teamed up to hit on these two frat boys all night, until the frat boys started making out with each other. The looks on their faces...
We need to get fucked up again and play games like "save the tequila but dodge the knife"
I just feel like I'm worth a little bit more than your recycled nudes...
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
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