I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
Excuse me by sucking dick i am fighting crime. Just think of all the prostitues going out of business and getting real jobs.
12 garbage cans filled with water, a beer can floating in every garbage can, 20 ft. apart and you shoot with dodge balls..and thats only how the night began
She called all of my friends to find out where I was last night. 7 out of ten said their place.
On another note, why did I wake up wrapped in bubble wrap. I can only assume it was for my own safety
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
I just climbed out the passenger side of my car because there was a spider on mine. I'm doing adulthood right
i refuse to give everyone the satisfaction of seeing the results of my acting on my thoughts
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
So far in 2016 I told someone id give them a blowjob for lasagna.
I feel like my life just hangs in the balance of "Yeah I'm probably not doing this right"
Add tweezing eyebrows to the list of things not to do while on adderol....
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
He gave his liver a pep talk before the vodka chugging started
Randomize
