I have found the one flaw to the great pride I took as a guy to not have to sit down to pee...having to sneeze while peeing.
I miss you. Just wanted to say that before the drugs kicked in so it's legit.
found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
after last night, i judge her for not breaking up with me
just to let you know coffee and vodka was a bad way to start the day
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
we marched down beaver avenue with lit tiki torches humming the olympics opening song.
No, this is non-alcoholic oatmeal.
You just want to fuck a girl in a dinosaur costume, don't you?
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
Dad and I are shitfaced screaming at Canadians in Walmart. Life is good.
Happy birthday, you long dick monster
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
Tony's mom to him at breakfast: "I found the shirt you wore last night in the bushes this morning."
I have alotted at least an hour for ugly crying.
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