mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
omg... punch me in the throat... I am about to lose my mind with my parents.. I'm not saying I agree with the menendez brothers.. but I understand
Hi, I just found this phone under my seat at a brewers game and seeing as you're entered in as 'fillllatio' I figured I'd ask you if you know the illiterate ass who owns this phone. Thanks :)
If its vodka, everyone is attractive. Tequila, everyone is dead sexy, single and fuckable.
im spending all my christmas money on new years parafanalia aka things I will ingest or lose by the next morning
I was surprised he admitted he couldnt keep up. We both knew but usually they dont come out and say it
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
what do i owe you?
$237.46 to be exact.
if im having that much fun on the weekend i better start remembering it.
I don't think casual Fridays means I can go to work with dried cum in my hair...
You just threw your burrito at the passing teenage couple and yelled "It's never gonna last" of course your were a shit show
I've finally done it, I've downloaded some messenger lesbians like to use because some girl wanted to flirt.
Congrats, you're all grown up now.
I FEEL LIKE A GAY BUTTERFLY
You must be buzzed on Miller Lite.. Zen master advice is flowing
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
This is why you are going on a date. To see if he is fun or if we need to shank him in the parking lot.
Randomize
