It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
I see you felt the need to carve your name in my kitchen table. thanks
Was rudely woken up by strangers at 4:15am. I was leaning against the stoplight at 9th
The fact that when I blacked in you were sober enough to kick me out of your roommates bed makes me question our friendship.
Even completely stoned shes amazing on the piano. There are like 7 people sitting on the ground listening to her like she's the messiah.
Did you know that scruff feels epic on boobs especially when they are covered in whip cream?
I just woke up under my desk. Not to worry though, no one is in the office yet
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
Hey Cat, it's Michael. You made out with me for a hot dog last night and I feel super used.
When he's drowning in your chest and he muffles out the words 'I just want to live here' that's a compliment right?
It's so weird fucking this kids aunt then going to the gym with him everyday, but my sick minded self loves it.
I don't want to inconvenience you with my dick\n\n
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
I boned my sugar daddy for the first time yesterday and now I know why they say guys in their 40s are the best. Also I’m getting a car.
Randomize
