Before he took my jeans off all he said was "no hard feelings from middle school right?"
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
OH MY GOD. JESUS STRIPPER. THERE IS A JESUS STRIPPER HERE. A STRIPPER DRESSED AS JESUS.
we're on our way back. she tried to pants the waiter again.
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
The a/c is broken so they cut a softball size whole in the freezer door. Goodbye deposit.
The chick I hooked up with last night is my girlfriend older sister. Who is in town visiting. Who I just met. Who I just had dinner With. Who is here along with their parents and the whole family. How did my luck get so bad?
I just feel like a girl who's never eaten a pb&j probably doesn't swallow
I just woke up in my ex-boyfriends bed, with my new boyfriends jersey on. I love March maddness.
I've decided that my night was probably over when I started eating the penne vodka with my hands.
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
Something bad happened. I'm just giving you some notice. So you can smoke some pot and hide all sharp items in the house.
I hope you get your threesome on vday. I'll probably get flowers and a candlelit dinner. trade you. I wish this guy was more of a slut and had less of a heart. I would like 2 dicks please fuck your flowers!
Santa tracker drinking game, you in or what?
I just took like 30 condoms from the doctors office... no one can say I don't try to save my money.
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