Why are you such a perv today?
This is a lot to handle
Oh shh
I'm kidding you prude take a joke
How come ATM is perfectly acceptable, yet not washing your hands after you poo is socially reprehensible?
Ya I fucked her.. But now Melissa is gonna find out
Just tell her that in a man's never ending war between his heart and his dick... His heart never wins
i just got drunk dialed and its 10am. clearly finals are over.
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
He got 20 stiches.. Who knew so much damage could come from a single shopping cart.
I ended up taking shots of whiskey and chasing them with potato wedges, I have never felt more Irish
Why do I feel like the only way for this trip to end is alcohol poisoning?
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
I knew it was gonna be a rough night when the guys next to us at Relay for Life started shot gunning beers and yelling "This ones for all the hot chicks that went bald because of cancer". It kinda went downhill from there....
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
I think the last straw was when you put on ice skates to go across the waxed wooden floor.
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
I used to want you to marry him...Now I just think you deserve a bigger penis than that.
Randomize
