Leave it to him to get us kicked out of a bar for hitting on an 80 year old woman. I want to be that wasted one day.
He woke up licked his hand and put it on my vag and went back to sleep. This is twice this week and its only wednesday
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
we're almost there. Shes pounding on the car window telling the nurse whos on a smoke break to fuck off.
Apparently I've been blackout drunk doing abstract algebra on the floor
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
They need 20 oz Capri suns with liquor. Douches need to grow up with their clients
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
i didnt realize that your first thought would be SEXUALIZING BREAD
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
Santi's no longer allowed to buy booze in my lane. Last thing I need is a midlife crisis looking at his Id again.
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