Remember when you weren't going to be a shit show?
Believe it's possible to jerk off while watching the food network.
I told him I'd give him a BJ if he admited Hanson was good.
I woke up with ten beers in my bag that hoarded at the party last night. Rally? Its five somewhere.
i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
No, seriously, I've slept with 3 guys this month.
It's ok, February is a short month
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
I know the wedding is going to be a good time, I don't have to wear a bra with my dress
Damn you are the highwater mark of the naked women in my life. Like idk what lined up but yeah.
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
We broke up. My life is now 7 inches less.
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
Randomize
