It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
What do you want? Don't say anything that would make me look like a pussy at the store.
i have a bunch of little boys around me trying to hit on me
dont be selfish, show some boob
Also pencil in smooth jazz and illegal activities. The usual.
Yeah it was hard to find an opportunity while fucking him to say "oh the reason my lips taste so salty is because i blew your roomate 15 minutes ago"
I want to spend time with you, and by time, I mean real time. Not your dick in my mouth time.
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
Who knew drunk me could climb a 17 story building for apple juice and sex
the girl whose rug I peed on is here
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
She said I can't embarrass her, the challenge has been set
Apparently I have a "problem" because I enjoy doing bong rips in the shower
Randomize
