I got my half for the rent already.I called the cops on the drug dealer neighbor and got a 500 bucks as a reward
Do I need to let your sister outside to go pee or anything before I leave?
Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
Just downloaded the entire Justin Bieber album sober.. I think you know how I'm doing.
Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
No. one of us needs a degree and I am already the alcoholic friend. I can't do everything
I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
I woke up in an ill fitting childs tutu this morning and the shower curtain is knocked down. Wtf happened?
SPICY FOODS AND BLOWJOBS DON'T MIX.
YOU SAID YOU'D TRY ANYTHING ONCE YOU LIAR
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
Note to self, the correct response when a guy tells you he likes you as a person is not "ew"
HE WAS CUMMING IN THAT DICK PIC
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