I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
haha you were so trashed that you deleted all of your christian music from itunes and kept saying"c-ya God, nice knowin ya"
There are no words to adequately express my gratitude for sending me porn you found staring a former classmate.
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
I feel like I'm a marionette being lifted around. Four Loko.
Someone just took a shot from my crotch. I should not have to drive home
We are not on the "bring me breakfast" level. He's bringing me penis if I ask for breakfast too I'll just sound greedy
My meds have diminished my sex drive, this must be what regular women feel like
After seeing how much you are able to funnel in a night, I am 90% sure your blood is pure gin.
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
If I wear a tail on Halloween, how am I supposed to grind? Maybe I will just wear devil horns
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
Damn you are the highwater mark of the naked women in my life. Like idk what lined up but yeah.
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
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