I really like you and I'm tired of just hooking up. I want you be my boyfriend.
Uhh, I'm not breaking up with my girlfriend to be with you.
Take a Tylenol with a HUGE glass of water before you pass out, you'll thank me in the morning.
i dony have tylonal but i had a snickers and popcorn and a bottle of water and i am.. brushing my teeth!
i'm pissing behind 7/11. if you guys leave... i'll think it's funny too
Bathrooms are cool, I think Im just gonna hang out here for a bit.
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
Please high five our old drug dealer for me please.
Im walking to an ob gyn practice session right now. Literally have to get face first in a middleaged vagina in 10 min.
I puked on myself in front of a customer. all. over. myself. thanks Saturday nights
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
I wish I could be the kind of drunk Bobbi is... She stumbles around outside at 4am with a broken high heel and babbling about rainbows and getting dick...
sex on a trampoline, in the rain, on ecstasy, just thought you should know.
i just really want to fuck a guy wearing lederhosen
it'll be sexier than it sounds, i promise
If I look at him, he starts sobbing. Please come get him; he's scaring the cats.
She was blowing air into green onions and tying knots in them to make "balloons"
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