Why did u sent me a picture of a dead horse?
i could hear you having sex and was jealous, wanted to kill the mood
I think horse shit smells the best of all shits.
I feel like I'm sitting in a sleigh of puddy. It's not a bathtub though because you need a sleigh to go down a mountain.
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
Omg I just met another drunk guy that is teaching me karate
You told me you aren't worried about the police that you've been training for this an that the last three months of your life have been devoted to building up your stun gun tolerance and pepper spray recovery time.
Didn't get the job. Searched for my references on FB and saw the pic of me weighing my head passed out.
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
I think we should have realized the night was going to be nuts when it started with a bum dying in front of my house.
Those mornings you wake up with a Barbie tramp stamp are the mornings that are the that are going to make me miss this place
The school security guard knows my name.... I think I'm missing some memories...
I almost tased myself
I dont think you should own that device.
It's an awesome device. I love this device.
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
Fucking adderall I just talked at the security guard for 90 minutes
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
Randomize
