We need to have an Itty-Bitty Titty Committee mtg somewhere in the range of 5 minutes to ASAP.
theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
i just carried on a conversation with my mother from another room mid-ejaculation. you would have done the same
Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
My sugar daddy is a bigger asshole than i am. What's wrong here?
Did copperhead road at the bar. All the girl next to me did was stare at my glorious bouncing tits. CAN I FUCKING HELP YOU?? I worked hard for these tits.
eating chex mix on the couch when he walks in naked and asks how he looks. are you shitting me.
You were a hurricane of blowjobs and glitter makeup. You came out of the closet and took the house down with it
tried to make it look like I had been conscious/awake and out all day when I stumbled into cvs at 6pm to buy plan B
update: I failed
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
They were out of soap so you started calling yourself a dirty bitch
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
Waking up naked and dehydrated has become a regular occupancy for me.
Randomize
