Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
Whoever decided putting Tom Seizmore and Heidi Fleiss together in rehab should win some kind of award.
My boyfriend just sent me flowers. I am now crying at the fact i fucked my fat neighbor. God please help me.
I have decided that today will be all about indulgence and hedonism.
how come you came home with "Amanda owns this" written on your forhead
Yeah. I woke up in an awkward three way spoon with him and his sister. Tequila!
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
all his sexual metaphors involve condiments, should I worry?
i warned you not to do dabs 20 minutes before graduation. You never listen
All I want for my birthday to be fingered and eat pizza
Weddings might be fun but they are not getting fucked in the wilderness fun.
Hey, thanks for helping me this morning
Always a pleasure to feed you bread as your body lay crumpled on the floor.
Im goin to jail bro ill talk to u sun
Such a big mess for such a small penis
True life: I got so drunk that i took a shower with my clothes on at 4 am...
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