Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
Hey bro u need to come home now, me and andy just had a 15 minute conversation about fig newtons. f this bong
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
and then he proceeded to take what he called, a whip cream shower.
You're going to have to tell him your name isn't Ivor McTruckson eventually.
Omg he's telling my parents stories about him doing jaagerbombs ... Lord help me
I just want to fuck you then discuss implications of our existence afterwards. Then Doritos and hot tub.
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
I'm in the kitchen making quiche for my fuck buddy and his wife. I'm probably not the chick to get dating advice from.
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
Also, McDonald's breakfast is now 24/7. This is it. This is how I die. Face first in a pile of hashbrowns.
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
Im too stoned for my mom to be picking up hitch hikers. Help.
But you''re still having sex with him. And a hobo convinced you to.
Randomize
