omg, I know. It's so embarrassing that we've both had his penis in parts of our bodies
Hey a mouth doesn't really count. A vagina counts more.
he was drinking cheap vodka with warm tap water and a packet of crystal light. if that's not an alcoholic then idk what is
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
studying for my Anatomy final and masturbating to Japanese porn are practically the same thing
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
i just thought a plastic bag was my cat. i just pet a plastic bag. that high.
One. But meh. I upped my age limit to like 29 hoping I'll match with this one fedex guy that delivers packages to my work
What's the plan?
Not sure. I think I'll take a dump on his windshield.
Wait... so you had sex and then your ear drum ruptured? I'm not sure if I want to ask if the two are related...
Finding my pants in the morning should not make me this proud
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
Is it acceptable to respond to a declaration of love with 'and I love your dick'? Asking for a friend who shares a name and possibly a phone number with me. Entirely coincidental.
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