I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
She sucked her thumb until she was 17. It's like my dick was born to be in her mouth.
I can't believe you're trying to guilt me into a blow j because a tornado made you homeless.
Is it working?
Bring single women, or taken women who are unhappy with their relationships, or women who are happy with their relationships but have low moral standards, or women who just like to remove clothing when drunk (relationship status is unimportant for this option)
I don't think he knows what shame means anymore. He gave some bar slut his sisters Tiffanys necklace, in exchange for anal.
Is it bad that I see a party full of girls I know he has fucked as a challenge for me to be the one who ends up in his bed?
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
Showed up physical therapy hammered. The therapist just says this isnt part of the program.
IM SO HIGH RIGHT NOW, IM WHAT ROCKET MAN WANTED TO BE WHEN HE GREW UP. ELTON JOHN CAN BLOW ME.
I just googled: how soon can I pee on a stick. What is my life coming to.
We celebrated our relationship by shotgunning beers on his lawn in our underwear. I may have to marry this man...
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
So I hung out with an australian but woke up with a British man in my bed does that make me culturalized
Randomize
