Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
he just invited me over for the 3 p's...pepsi pizza and porn...I'm gonna marry him
If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
Their house warming gift for us was a half case of keystone and getting the cops called..
This will be amazing. Plus he's going to do a line of cocaine off of the other guy's ass.
what's an appropriate "I'm fucking your grandson but I'm trying to hide it" outfit?
You were basically naked. Just covered in pink duck tape and feathers. I'd have to say this is beyond the slutty mark..
please tell me why my pillow is wearing your thong...
...i wondered where i left that...
I'm literally 40 minutes from where I was supposed to stay. I woke up in a parking lot.
My nerves will need dicks later so.. I'll call you
She wore her engagement ring the whole time we fucked. I hate her fiancee, so it was cool
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
Randomize
