you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
Dude, if she brings up the lube, you know nothing
you're being fucking weird and i don't like it. text me when you're not being the after picture on a poster for rehab
I should become her mentor. Get her life back together for her
You mean sponsor?
I'm now having weird sexual fantasies about that riverdancing figure skater. So thanks for that.
one more hour of this work bullshit and I'm off to get high with your cat.
My boss just lit a candle and said a prayer to get laid tonight ..
In an unrelated matter, im gonna eat you out so much later.
There's always a silver lining when massive voluptuous tits are involved
Never go drinking with anime club. End of story.
You know it was a good dinner party when one of the guests broke their finger and no one can remember how it happened.
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
Randomize
